Always
by laurzz
Summary: Everlark one-shot/drabble. Post 74th Hunger Games, pre-Victory Tour. No triggers. "Katniss licked her lips and turned her head so that she could meet his eyes with her own. "Peeta, can I stay with you tonight?"


**A/N: Hi everyone. This is my second post for the Hunger Games. I'd say it's my second piece but I have a whole bunch of drabbles and one-shots hidden away in my document folder as I edit them into oblivion. I've written this one tonight... I actually just opened up word and an hour later this was staring back at me. So rather than hoard it and edit it so that it winds up being something completely different, i figure it's best to just post it and let it be done! **

**If you celebrate, I hope you have a fantastic Christmas! If you don't, have a fantastic Tuesday! **

**No warnings or triggers. This is set after the first games and before the Victory Tour. Hope you enjoy!**

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Wrapping her scarf around her neck, Katniss prepared herself for the burst of wind that would inevitably hit her as she walked the twenty five yards to Peeta's house. She nudged open the door and felt the sting on her cheeks already; just from the tiny crack from the door. She took a deep breath and pushed the door open further as she escaped into snowstorm, letting the door slam behind her as the wind took it from her grasp.

Katniss took a moment as she gazed up at the house opposite her own, housing only one occupant. It was so big for just him and she couldn't help but feel sorry for him. When she had returned from the arena, there had been no question about her mother and Prim moving to the Victor's Village with her… but Katniss felt like it wasn't even a discussion had in the Mellark's Bakery. Peeta was alone and she really hadn't helped with that. She had probably made it worse for him. She swallowed as she pushed those guilty feelings down. She couldn't deal with those feelings right now.

She removed a glove and rapped her knuckles on the door to Peeta's house. She found herself thinking of Effie and how she'd admire the mahogany of the door. She heard Peeta's heavy footsteps as he made his way to the door and she swallowed heavily as the handle twisted. It wasn't lost on her that he had answered the door within seconds… even at this time.

"Katniss?" His voice sounded once he'd opened the door. Instantly, with the sound of him saying her name she felt calmer. "Is everything okay?"

Katniss licked her chapped lips as she tried to find the words she wanted to use. "I… I couldn't sleep Peeta."

"Join the club." He scoffed. "I never sleep Katniss."

"You sleep sometimes." She interrupted him. "I see the window open some nights; you must get cold."

"The cold never bothered me." Peeta shrugged. "Do you… want to come in? You look cold…"

"The cold never bothered me," Katniss said, mimicking his earlier words with a rare smile tugging at her lips, "But I'd like to; if that's okay?"

Peeta opened the door wider, making room for Katniss to brush past him. He fought with the blistering cold winds to close the door. Katniss watched his muscles flex as the mahogany slammed into the frame. As he turned, she forced her eyes back into focus.

"Why couldn't you sleep then?" he asked as he unzipped her coat and removed it from her arms. She blinked at the kindness he was showing her. He'd taken her coat and he'd even brushed off the few remaining flakes of snow that had landed on her while she'd stood on his front porch.

"I… I had a nightmare."

Peeta nodded in understanding as she handed him her scarf and gloves. "I guess you don't want to talk about it either, right?"

She shook her head no, confirming his question as he hung her other items on the hooks by his front door.

"Alright, well considering we're both awake would you like a drink? Effie sent me some cocoa last week. I could make us hot chocolate. You like that, right?"

"I'd like that." Katniss smiled at him. She wasn't entirely sure why she'd come to Peeta… well that was a lie, she did know why she'd come to him. He made her feel safe. He was the only one that understood. He was the only one she could rely on to make her feel like she wasn't losing her mind... and she just needed to see him - she needed to make sure that her dreams weren't a reality.

She followed him into his kitchen and absorbed the stacks of freshly made bread. "Bad night?" she inquired.

"You could say that." He shrugged. "I woke up and you weren't there. It took me a while to convince myself that I hadn't lost you… well, that I hadn't lost you in the arena…" Katniss knew that she was clueless as they came when it came to love but she knew that there was more to his sentence. But after all the times she'd shot him down she knew that Peeta simply felt like he couldn't share whatever else he'd wanted to say, with her.

"Peeta, I-"

"Katniss, don't worry about it. I know why you did what you did."

She furrowed her brow as he kept his back facing her as he filled the mugs with cocoa powder and boiling water. _What did that even mean?_

"Peeta," she began with a breathless sigh. "Listen… look at me."

It took him a moment but he eventually turned to face her. She found herself looking at him properly for the first time and she exhaled slowly. He looked exhausted; almost as exhausted as he had looked when she found him down by the river in the arena. He was going through just as much as she was and yet he had nobody to take the burden from his shoulders. The only person that could do it was her and she wasn't willing; she'd found herself too wrapped up in her own trauma to consider Peeta and how he might need her.

She wasn't sure whether it was the nightmare fuelling her emotions or whether she quite simply just missed him… but she knew she couldn't hold back her words: "Peeta, I haven't really been fair to you since we've got back from the arena. I'm… I'm sorry for what I said on the train. I don't know whether I meant it in the way that you understood. I want to forget everything that happened but… I don't want to forget you. Not like that."

Peeta sighed as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Katniss… don't."

"I meant what I said to Caesar in the interview Peeta, you saved me. You might not believe me… but when Rue... died…"

"I know Katniss, I saw the footage. I was your last chance to get back to Prim and…" Once again she could tell there was something else he was holding back but this time she knew exactly what and who Peeta's anger was directed towards.

"I hardly ever see him." She said quietly. "He works down in the mines now and-"

"Katniss, I'm not jealous of Gale. That isn't why we don't talk anymore. We don't talk because even though we live twenty five yards from each other's front door you made it loud and clear that you wanted nothing more to do with me once the cameras left. I got it; I'm not as stupid as you think I am."

"Peeta, it's not that I don't-"

"I know, okay?" he sighed. "I know you're struggling with a lot Katniss because I am too. We're struggling with a lot of the same that I bet we could help the other with if you considered letting me in."

"I'm just scared Peeta." She admitted; something she'd not dared to voice aloud.

"And I'm not? Katniss, every time I close my eyes I see myself back in that arena. When I open them I try to get rid of whatever vision I had, only to close my eyes and see something completely different but equally as terrifying. I know _exactly _how you're feeling, okay? I know that you can't sleep because I can't sleep either. I know that you feel completely worthless and helpless because I do too. I know that you miss your old life no matter how bad it got, because I do too. I'd do anything to go back to the Peeta I was before the games. I'd love to go back to the Peeta I used to be… but I can't and I have to find a way to deal with that. And so do you. With or without me, you have to find a way to keep surviving."

When Peeta said it, it made sense. Prim had tried to tell her that it was okay to cry through the night if she needed, rather than keeping it in. And her mother had tried to explain to her how people can be traumatised after a stressful event in their life… but when Peeta laid it out on the table for her; it made sense. She needed to find a way to survive. She knew now that she wouldn't live freely like she had naively thought she might. The Hunger Games would always have its hold on her, as would Snow… but surviving was different. She was a survivor. She had found ways to survive before and she was sure she could do it again.

And with the talks of surviving, she wondered if she could survive without him. A part of her, the part that had driven her to stand in his kitchen, seeking out some twisted form of comfort from him told her that she couldn't survive without him. There were things about her life that only he understood and she needed that comfort that he gave her. In short, she couldn't survive without him.

"It might help if you talk to me about your nightmare, Katniss. I promise you it won't be something I haven't already dreamt."

"I dreamt that I couldn't save you. I dreamt that you died, Peeta. I usually wake up screaming and just sit and wait for morning; desperately trying to forget… but I knew I couldn't wait. I woke up screaming for you and I needed to make sure you were okay."

"Well I didn't die. I'm right here and I'm okay… thanks to you."

"So why do I feel like I've lost you anyway?" Katniss asked him in a small voice, even though she already knew the answer.

"Because you wanted it that way."

"I don't." She could feel her bottom lip quivering and she knew the tears were about to fall. "I don't anymore. I don't want to lose you, Peeta."

"I'm right here." He pointed out to her, beginning to close the distance between them. His tone had been short and sharp throughout their entire conversation, but now it was softening. It was the tone she was familiar with when it came to Peeta. He made her feel like he had all the time in the world to listen to her. He made her feel like she didn't need to be afraid; that things weren't so bad. He gave her hope.

"I… I… I feel like we've lost so much, Peeta. We were supposed to be free. We were supposed to be able to enjoy being victors. Everyone told us we earned it… deserved it… so why do I feel like I'm the least worthy person in Panem? Why do I feel like I should be the one buried? Maybe I should have just eaten the nightlock and then…"

"Katniss, if you had swallowed that nightlock, I would have swallowed mine right after. I wouldn't have come back to District 12 alive without you."

"Why Peeta?"

"Because Katniss, I…I… that's just how I feel."

Katniss swallowed as she closed the final bit of distance between herself and Peeta. She wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her head into his chest. She inhaled his scent and she instantly felt settled. She felt like she was safe. She felt like she wasn't running from the Capitol. She felt like that the pieces of her life - both old and new - weren't crumbling all around her.

"I don't want to feel like I've lost you again." Katniss muttered into the fabric of his sweatshirt he was wearing over his sleeping clothes. "I hated it; I couldn't bear the thought of you not there anymore, Peeta."

"You don't need to tell me how it feels, Katniss. I have that nightmare every night and it never gets easier."

"I just can't do it," her lip trembled. "How do you do it?" She asked, looking into his eyes. Even in the candlelit hallway of his empty house in the dead of night, his eyes shone bright. His eyes were warm and welcoming and she felt like if she let herself, she could quite happily stay with him and never leave again. But that wasn't an option or a possibility. "How do you function, Peeta?"

"Once I wake up and convince myself that you're safe and across the way in your own bed, I can get on with whatever I need to do. Then when I see you the next morning as you leave to go to the woods, I'm okay again. I'm okay once I know you're okay."

Katniss swallowed and let his words settle with her. He was okay once he knew she was okay. She closed her eyes and settled her head back on his chest. Even after she'd pushed him away for all this time, he still put her first. He still worried about her before he worried about himself. He still opened up the door in the dead of night to make sure that she was okay. He still made her feel that hunger she'd felt in the cave with just an embrace.

He was still Peeta Mellark; the boy with the bread… _her boy with the bread._

Katniss licked her lips and turned her head so that she could meet his eyes with her own. "Peeta, can I stay with you tonight?"

"Always."

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**Thanks for reading, any feedback would be hugely appreciated. Come find me over on tumblr - I'm laurzz6. :) **


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